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Professional Troublemaker ®

 Jonathan Corbett, Civil Rights Attorney

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turkey

Turkey, Poland Compete To See Who Can Fuck Free Speech Harder in 2018

Let’s meet our contestants in this race to the bottom!

ByLock
Only terrorists would use this!

Weighing in at 83 million residents, Turkey has decided to make the downloading of a messaging app illegal, with possession of it subjecting the thought criminal to prison time, loss of employment, and social scorn for being a terrorist.  The app is called ByLock, and it’s basically a watered-down version of WhatsApp that has now reached over a million downloads (wow, that’s a lot of terrorists!).  The reason this app earned contraband status was because an opposition political party movement called Gülen allegedly liked to use the app to communicate.

Weighing in at 38 million residents, Poland has a pet peeve.  You see, some people have been referring to Nazi concentration camps that existed in Poland during World War II as “Polish death camps.”  Poland takes umbrage at this depiction because, while there were indisputably death camps in Poland, they were not “Polish;” they were German.  So the correct way to handle this situation is not to educate the public but to criminalize the stringing of 3 words together.  Those who use the term “Polish death camps” instead of “death camps in Poland” will be subject to a 3 year term in a Polish death camp — er, I mean, prison.

Polish Death Camp
This is a Polish death camp

The scoreboard stands as follows:

Turkey’s measure is specifically intended to stifle political dissent, which earns them 12 points.  They also earn 5 points for futility, since there’s no special technology behind ByLock and dissidents could simply switch to virtually any messaging app.  They earn 3 more points for accidentally arresting over a thousand people who were mistakenly thought to have downloaded the app.  They earn 1 more point for being ignored by the mainstream media until they accidentally arrested the wrong people (apparently it wasn’t enough of a story when they arrested actual users of an innocent messaging app to silence political dissidents).  And they earn 2 more points because Turkey’s President, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, smells of bad döner.

Poland gets 6 points for the stiff prison sentence for such a subtle linguistic nuance.  They get 2 points for criminalizing the saying of something for no other reason than that it embarrasses them.  They get 5 points for using the Holocaust as an excuse to be authoritarian.  They get 2 more points for criminalizing something Barack Obama once did.  And, I give them 3 points for being a secular, democratic nation from which we should be able to expect better.  But, I deduct 2 points for pissing off Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who puzzlingly equates this with Holocaust denial (no Ben, it’s not Holocaust denial, it’s just stupidity and thuggery).

That’s 23 points for Turkey and 16 points for Poland so far.  Let’s see if Poland can catch up, or perhaps another country will join the battle, which is traditionally initiated by having the country’s leader get on Twitter and announce their candidacy using the hashtag #HoldMyBeer.

Turkish President Orders Body Guards to Beat Up American Protesters In DC: This Is Why We Don’t Allow Thugs Into the White House

fuck_erdoganWith all of the scandals going on in D.C. surrounding the President, it can be hard to focus on a few people being assaulted.  But the 9 people injured, one seriously, near the White House in a brawl started by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan deserves attention for two reasons.

First, Erdoğan is a thug and should not have been invited to the White House.  He is well-known for arresting and beating up protesters in his own country.  He is well-known for misogyny, stating that women are not equal to men and their role in society is “motherhood.”  And he is well-known for media censorship, not just in his own country, but going so far as to sue in a German court against a man who published a satirical poem disfavorable to him (poem below!).  You would think given that, when he was in the political minority, he was imprisoned for reciting a poem of his own, he would have aspired not to do the same, but I digress.  This is not who we should be hosting, as he does not share the value common to those who enjoy living in a free society.

Second, a recently released analysis of video of the brawl shows that Erdoğan himself ordered the assault.  His personal bodyguard can be heard to say, “he says attack,” immediately after speaking with Erdoğan.  His guards than rush to violence against a small group of protesters, allegedly from a political party that Erdoğan cutely labels “terrorists.”

Think about that for a second: a foreign head-of-state just ordered an attack on Americans on American soil.

We can’t prosecute these men because they have diplomatic immunity, but we can certainly expel the Turkish Ambassador, as Sen. John McCain has suggested (note that I don’t join in Sen. McCain’s depiction of Turkey as a “third world” country).  That would be a good start.  The State Department is investigating.

And, you know, not inviting thugs to the White House.

 

Defamation Poem, by Jan Böhmermann (translated)

Stupid as fuck, cowardly and uptight,
Is Erdogan, the president,
His gob smells of bad döner,
Even a pig’s fart smells better,
He’s the man who hits girls,
While wearing a rubber mask,
But goat-fucking he likes the best,
And having minorities repressed,

Kicking Kurds,
Beating Christians,
While watching kiddie porn,
And even at night, instead of sleep,
It’s time for fellatio with a hundred sheep,

Yep, Erdogan is definitely
The president with a tiny dick,
Every Turk will tell you all,
The stupid fool has wrinkly balls,
From Ankara to Istanbul,
They all know the man is gay,
Perverted, louse-infested, a zoophile,
Recep Fritzl Priklopil

Head as empty as his balls,
Of every gang-bang party he’s the star,
Till his cock burns when he has a piss,
That’s Recep Erdogan,
The Turkish president.

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